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Nightmare Before Christmas – with Apologies to Clement C. Moore

December 22, 2020

It’s the week before Christmas

And all through our houses

Not a gadget should be stirring,

not even our wireless mouses.

We should be settling in for a nice winter’s nap,

or even just shopping for toys and a cap,

But in fact, we are busy, we haven’t closed shop

We’re working so hard we’re ready to drop.

Not St. Nick or the elves, bearing gifts, bringing cheer,

But old Mr. Wheeler, the Grinch of this year

Is causing this issue, with his midnight directions

to cement his world view –

Despite the election.

As dry leaves that before climate tossed hurricanes fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

so post-election, back to his office the EPA people flew,

With their folders of final decisions to do.

They’re pushing out rules supporting

uncontrolled generation,

disregarding climate science,

and the public health of the nation.

With coal smoke circling round Wheeler’s head like a wreath,

and the cap to his pen held tight in his teeth,

he sits in his office, an anti-Santa so sinister,

whistling as he signs and sends off to the Register:

“Now Cost-benefit, making human health second fiddle,

Now, Do nothing particulate matter rule, ditto.

On Methane retractions and Policy shifts,

On Ozone do-nothing and NSR drifts!”

“Let’s roll back more protections for areas impacted by the Wall,

come Coal ash, come Carbon rules,

let my pen scratch them all!”

“Let’s make them immediate!

That is the ticket – cause the enviros have left us no choice with their thicket

Of details (why bother?) about health and statutory protections,

their lawsuits and their other messy distractions –

“We haven’t the time for the regular pause in the action,”

Required by laws, like APA and CRA –

If we just ignore them, why they’ll go away!”

Not so fast, Mr. Wheeler, your desire for speed,

to cement your world view while you had the lead,

is not “good cause shown” to effectuate your very bad deeds.

We’re at the dawn of new year, new day, new perspectives

From people who value health and science directives.

So, while you’re enjoying your nog and good cheer,

CATF’s legal elves will be working I fear,

Fighting battles against Mr. Wheeler’s repose

and his drive out of town throwing nails in the roads,

With his sack full of coal for the folks on his list –

We’ll be fighting back hard, I’m sure you get the gist.

So now to the home office, and wireless mice,

while watching our trees go up (well that part is nice!),

We’ll have the last laugh, having made Wheeler delay

to the end of his tenure, rushing things out this way.

With twinkling eyes and our boots on the ground,

we’ll bid him farewell as he scrams out of town.

If he’s listening up, he will hear our retort:

“Farewell Trump EPA — We’ll see you in court.”

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